Self Diagnosis

Self Diagnosis

I was always told autism
Was a male disease
Strictly sexist.
And the women who are diagnosed
Have predominately male traits.
I’ve never gone to a physiologist
The doctors just say I have depression
Sever Anxiety
It’s nothing special.
But there is something within me
That has been trying to claw its
Way out of me. I am no longer able to
Separate the way I’m supposed to act
And how I truly am.
There is this woman I know
She smiles a lot,
Jokes a lot,
Talks a lot,
She says what she believes others want to hear.
When she gives too much away of herself
She worries for weeks on end
That she said something wrong
Gave too much away
I have been compared to people with
Aspergers syndrome
By close family
But we aren’t all doctors here
And I don’t want to be the
Asshole who self diagnoses themselves
The day I went to my doctor asking him
To send me to someone who can diagnose me
He said why?
I gave him a list of why I thought I had Autism
He said I don’t know any people with Autism
Who can make a list.
I told him, Then you don’t know many Autistic people
Do you?
The doctors say self-diagnosing
Is a dangerous path to go down
And no matter what I was wrong
That it is possible to have all the symptoms
Without the diagnosis
Plus you don’t seem like it
You are able to function just fine
But they don’t understand the façade
I have to put on every day
Just to get through the day
Just to get through this conversation
I’m exhausted