Self Diagnosis

Self Diagnosis

I was always told autism
Was a male disease
Strictly sexist.
And the women who are diagnosed
Have predominately male traits.
I’ve never gone to a physiologist
The doctors just say I have depression
Sever Anxiety
It’s nothing special.
But there is something within me
That has been trying to claw its
Way out of me. I am no longer able to
Separate the way I’m supposed to act
And how I truly am.
There is this woman I know
She smiles a lot,
Jokes a lot,
Talks a lot,
She says what she believes others want to hear.
When she gives too much away of herself
She worries for weeks on end
That she said something wrong
Gave too much away
I have been compared to people with
Aspergers syndrome
By close family
But we aren’t all doctors here
And I don’t want to be the
Asshole who self diagnoses themselves
The day I went to my doctor asking him
To send me to someone who can diagnose me
He said why?
I gave him a list of why I thought I had Autism
He said I don’t know any people with Autism
Who can make a list.
I told him, Then you don’t know many Autistic people
Do you?
The doctors say self-diagnosing
Is a dangerous path to go down
And no matter what I was wrong
That it is possible to have all the symptoms
Without the diagnosis
Plus you don’t seem like it
You are able to function just fine
But they don’t understand the façade
I have to put on every day
Just to get through the day
Just to get through this conversation
I’m exhausted

Sensory Tool Kit

I have an amazing fiancé who helped me put this together. I've been having a ridiculous amount of anxiety lately and I've had a hard time managing it. This is something that I consistently have problems with since I was born, but that is a story for a different post. I've had this kit for about a day now and it has helped dramatically. I got a chance to wear the headphone while I was shopping yesterday. There were a couple of stores that were busy and I was able to focus my attention so that I didn't get too overwhelmed. I think the most surprising thing I got in my kit was my stress ball. It is actually supposed to be a therapy ball for you hands but I have been using it just to squeeze and roll in my hands to help with my anxiety or just to relax. I have found it very addicting. The wireless headphones are amazing even when my music isn't on they still cancel out a lot of noise. The PSVita is just awesome it has a couple of my favorite games such as Little Big Planet, Terraway, and Dante's Inferno.


What is in my Kit
PSVita
Wireless Headphones
Ipod nano
Stress ball
and a purse to hold it all

Why can't I find a single book about women with autism at Barns and Noble!

I went to Barns and Noble today with the intent to buy some books on Autism, adults with Autism and most importantly Females with Autism. I was only able to find five books that had to do with autism. Two were written by Temple Grandin that I have already had the pleasure of reading and three that had to do with adult males with autism. I even asked someone at the courtesy desk, which involved me making human interaction, which then made me have to take off my headphones and try to wait patiently while the woman tried to look up books which were non existent and then looked at me with sympathy while I rocked back and forth. So then I ended me up in the parenting section. This infuriated me to the extreme. I found a whole section about children with autism (again all had to do with males with autism) one book which was sold as a guide to Autism and on the back had a note about the author which talked about how her son had recovered from Autism. Like it was something that could be cured. I have recently read some awesome and empowering books on my Kindle about women on the spectrum and I was hoping to find more books like that that I could physically turn the page I could not believe that there was not a single one that I could find! I immediately called my fiance while I sat on the floor in the parenting aisle rocking back and forth. I told him my frustration and my disgust with the parenting books that they have on autism all most about curing autism. His response was to write a book about it, about women with Autism. So I came home and decided to start a blog.